About Thomas
by Roses-N-Runways
Summary: This story tells of various characters reaction to "The Incident" (O'Brien orchestrating trouble between Thomas and Jimmy, making Thomas think Jimmy liked him, Alfred witnessing it and the police being contacted). WARNING: things the characters say will be offensive, but remember I am trying to be as realistic as possible with the reactions to homosexuality in this time period.
1. Chapter 1 ALFRED

CHAPTER 1: ALFRED 

It wasn't as if Alfred had anything against Thomas.

But his aunt O'Brien had urged him, "you must do what you know to be right".

Alfred found the whole matter distasteful, but he had no wish to escalate things- he really would rather have put it in the back of his mind and forgotten about it. Just go on as if nothing had changed. Keep his head down, keep working, and prove himself.

So when his aunt O'Brien realized that he didn't seem to be keen on pushing the matter, she pressed on:

"You witnessed it, Alfred. You're the one who saw it with your own eyes."

He nodded, looking down, but a mere nod wasn't enough for his aunt.

"You must be the one to put a stop to debauchery. You'll never be able to live with yourself if you turn a blind eye to it."

And after he thought about it, and turned it over and over in his mind, he realized that she was right.

How could he sleep at night knowing that he might be next…or that anyone might be next?

And what of new employees…what of the hall boys?

It was the young hall boys that sealed the deal.

O'Brien had gone on and on and on and on _and on_ about the hall boys.

How innocent they were.

How they were to be protected.

How they knew nothing of the sickening world Barrow was just waiting with anticipation to introduce them to.

Alfred had been told that men like Thomas preyed on boys and tried to turn them to wicked ways.

Alfred had never actually heard of a true instance where this had happened, but, it was one of those stories people told and believed, even if they'd never had proof.

And what if it was true? Didn't he have a duty to come forward and bear witness to what he had seen? What if it hadn't been Jimmy's room Thomas had chosen, what if instead he had gotten to one of the hallboys-

Alfred wasn't angry at Thomas. He wasn't spiteful. But he had seen what he had seen, and he knew it wasn't right. And now he felt duty-bound to come forward.

And if Thomas Barrow ended up in prison, well, Alfred hated to be a part of that. But, if Barrow in prison meant a safer house for the men and boys at Downton, then it had to be worth it, right?

Whatever battle raged in his mind- whether he should come forward or let things lie- O'Brien had settled the matter with one sentence:

 _Think of the children...aren't we duty-bound to protect them?_

And so Alfred summoned the police. 


	2. Chapter 2 O'BRIEN

Note: This chapter may seem slightly repetitive because O'Brien's part of the story overlaps with Alfred's.

However they're not completely the same, and after chapter 2 it won't overlap/repeat anymore. Thanks.

CHAPTER 2: O'BRIEN

O'Brien had worked on Alfred for a while, trying this way and that to get him to reach a point where he would be agreeable to the idea of talking to the police about Thomas.

For a while she thought it was a lost cause.

It wasn't that Alfred wasn't against what Thomas had done, it was more that he simply wanted to forget what he had seen and move on.

But O'Brien wasn't going to give up that easily. She worked on him and worked on him until at last she found a soft spot.

She'd seen the way his eyes flickered when she brought up the hallboys.

Just the slightest hint of trepidation, of hesitation, of doubt.

And that was all she needed.

She laid into him, then, about the hallboys, about what young, innocent boys they were, and how Downton was their very _first_ situation, their first time _away_ _from their mother's arms_ -

And she'd found his weak spot, the thing that could break him.

So she continued:

How would it be, then, to force these young, innocent boys to live in a house of ill repute-a house occupied by a man who steals into the bedrooms of young men and does the _unthinkable_?

How could Alfred look the other way and go on as if nothing was out of the ordinary? How _could_ he?

How many more people would have to be hurt before Alfred would step up and do the right thing?

He'd _witnessed_ it, for God's sake. He _had_ to act.

What about the hallboys?

 _What._

About.

 _The.  
_

 _Hall._

 _Boys?  
_

And that had been the line that sealed the deal.

Alfred used the phone in Carson's study to ring the police. And with the hallboys in mind, he didn't even feel guilty.

O'Brien smiled. Her first real smile in quite some time, and it stretched her lips thin.

The hallboys had _never_ been in any danger. But Alfred didn't need to know that.

The purpose to life was to get what you want. And O'Brien made that her ultimate goal.

She was getting quite good at it, really.

Oh, she didn't relish the thought of ruining Thomas. It was just that he was so easy to ruin. He'd really brought it on himself, you know.

He was no match for her. He thought he was- he thought he was smarter, more cunning, more sly. But he wasn't.

And she had something else, too, something he didn't have.

He had given it to her, back when they'd first become friends. Or _allies_ , a better term for what they were, perhaps.

He'd given it to her a little bit at a time, and much of it she'd picked up on herself.

Eventually, he had told her, freely, of his own will.

But by then she'd already known.

She'd been _trusted_. Trusted more than she'd ever been, and more than she likely would be again.

He had called her a _friend_. Said she'd been t _he first he'd had, really._ She remembered that line being said in the courtyard as his cigarette was put out.

And- as she thought with a dark smile-: Isn't a friend the person you go to with your deepest secret?

He had shared it with her- his secret- powerful enough to get him imprisoned, powerful enough to get him killed.

He _gave_ it to her- practically on a silver platter.

It had been hers and hers alone.

Poor Thomas, he thought that he gave the secret to her to be _held_. Quiet, and dark, like a shade drawn over a window.

But O'Brien didn't see it that way.

To her, the secret was given to her and she may do with it whatever she pleased.

With it, she would destroy him.


	3. Chapter 3: MR CARSON

CHAPTER 3: MR. CARSON

Carson used to think men like Thomas had made a choice.

A choice to turn away from propriety and good sense.

A choice to indulge in sin.

A choice to go against nature.

But now, with years of life behind him, he didn't think so.

After all, why would anyone _choose_ to be such a man?

No, _no_ \- surely such a fate was simply the cruel gift of nature: a burden thrust on an innocent soul.

It was unfortunate, and Carson was not without pity for Thomas and other such men.

However, Carson also realized, men like Thomas had to be watched, had to be… _controlled_.

After all, any time something was outside of proper society, it was dangerous.

Very dangerous indeed.


	4. Chapter 4: ANNA

Chapter 4: ANNA

In the past, Anna would have said good riddance to Thomas Barrow.

But now, she thought, knowing what we know…well, she did _feel_ for him. He hadn't had an easy time.

Anna had always thought that if he could _just_ be kinder to those around him…but now she understood why he couldn't. It was a terrible burden to hold a secret you must keep from everyone you know.

Imagine living your whole life keeping everything inside.

No wonder he hasn't got any friends, she thought. After all, how could you ever have a real friend if you felt compelled to keep such a secret from them?

She wondered if Thomas could ever marry. Anna had known a man like that before, and he _had_ married, but Anna always wondered if his marriage was a happy one. He loved his wife as much as he could, to be sure, but perhaps he always felt like something was missing? She supposed he just did the best he could. But then, that's all any of us can do with our lot in life- just do the best we can.

Poor Thomas.


	5. Chapter 5: BATES

Chapter 5: BATES

Bates was not a friend of Thomas.

Then again, Thomas didn't have many friends.

But _prison_ …

Thomas was in danger.

And as John Bates thought grimly, _**his whole life, he'll be in danger**_.

Bates knew about the sort of man Thomas was. He'd seen men like that before.

He didn't think that Thomas could- or even should- try to change himself. There was no point- that aspect of a person just couldn't be changed.

John knew that most people thought it could be changed- whether through doctors or through priests, but, to John Bates, it was simply a part of who you were and it was better you just accept it and live as happily as you could.

There was no point, he thought, in waging a war on yourself.

He had no ill will toward Thomas for his sexuality- after all, to each his own and it wasn't anyone else's business. He wasn't threatened by Thomas, and he didn't hate him for it.

He knew plenty others _would_ hate him for it, though, and that fact meant that Thomas was always going to have to watch his back.

Bates felt that he could put his feelings for Thomas on hold- at least for now- and make sort of a truce with him.

If there was anything he could do to keep Thomas out of jail, he'd do it.

He wouldn't wish prison on any man.

Prison was hard. It could change you, harden you. Thomas could get hurt badly in prison...or what might even be worse, he could hurt someone else, and end up in even more trouble.

It wasn't easy to tame the beast inside you. Bates knew that more than anyone.


	6. Chapter 6: MOLESLEY

Chapter 6: Mr. Molesley

The news was a bit of a shock to Mr. Molesley.

He didn't know much about men like that. Oh, he knew they _existed_ , but that was about it.

He didn't quite understand it. Was it just a fear of courting? A fear of talking to the ladies?

Mr. Molesley could understand, if that was the case. After all, he himself had always had a fair bit of nerves when approaching the fairer sex.

But he couldn't imagine turning to a man instead. He didn't understand what would make Thomas Barrow do that.

If it was simply a fear of women, he wondered if someone could help Thomas get over that fear, maybe help him approach a nice girl and court her instead?

If it was more than that, if it was some other sort of problem, well, perhaps a doctor…?

Mr. Molesley felt like everybody had _something_. Everybody had some sort of problem to deal with.

He himself used to have a stutter.

A doctor had helped him to conquer his stutter. Perhaps a doctor could help Thomas too.


	7. Chapter 7: MRS HUGHES

Chapter 7: MRS. HUGHES

Mrs. Hughes felt sorry for Thomas.

That's all. Not shocked or disgusted, like he'd expected of her. Not even saddened or angry. Just sorry.

She couldn't pretend to understand him.

But, the poor man was obviously very troubled.

And everyone needed a bit of kindness.

If she had known, what would she have done? She wondered. Thomas was a grown man, yes, but she still sometimes felt a little motherly toward the younger staff members. Was there _anything_ she could have done, anything she could have said, to ease his burden?

She doubted it.

It was a shame, too, she thought. So much wasted. Thomas was rough around the edges and too sharp tongued to make friends easily, but…he was a good looking young man. _Tall, dark, and handsome_ as the saying goes. And he wanted to better himself, he wanted to work his way up in the world. He had promise.

He could have made any girl a nice husband.

She supposed if there was a way for Thomas to change, that he would have done it by now.

It was sad. But then- _the poor dear_ – maybe, hopefully he could still find a way to happiness.

Somehow.

Although his options were limited.

He could try to find a girl who was willing to overlook this part of his character…a girl who understood that he could never feel for her what she felt for him.

But was that really _fair?_ To either of them?

It would have to be more of a friendship marriage than any romantic calling.

Well, maybe he'd never marry. Perhaps it would be just as well.

It didn't mean he'd have to be alone, exactly- if he could begin to learn kindness toward others, he could make friends.

And having a few friends would be better than nothing.

Mrs. Hughes didn't want to think about the alternative. Thomas being with a man was- well, it just wouldn't do. Not only could he face prison if suspected, but…well, how could he live his life with a man? It might make him happy, in the moment, but…was it right?

Well, right or wrong, Thomas would have to do what made him happy, and weigh the risks accordingly.

Nevertheless, Mrs. Hughes knew he was going to have a long and difficult road ahead of him. But in the end, she hoped he'd find some happiness.

She hoped.


	8. Chapter 8: DAISY

Chapter DAISY

Daisy didn't understand what was happening.

All around her staff member spoke in hushed tones, but no one would tell her what was happening.

She knew only that it had to do with Thomas.

Daisy liked Thomas. She shouldn't, really, because he was often hard and unkind.

But Daisy still thought Thomas was dashing…a romantic creature.

She wished she knew him better.

And she wished she knew what was happening.

It frustrated her, really, how no one seemed to take her seriously. Young, doe-eyed Daisy. Daisy wouldn't understand. Daisy was silly. Daisy was naïve. Sometimes Daisy hated the way they treated her.

Sometimes Daisy wanted to do something drastic. Or, say something smart- something that would show them. Show them all that she wasn't dim or innocent like they all believed. The trouble was, she didn't know what to say.

Daisy eventually found out what had happened with Thomas.

She got one of the maids to fill her in. The maid hadn't been told, either, but she'd overheard.

With Daisy's incessant pestering, the maid finally promised Daisy she'd tell her that night.

Daisy wondered all day.

Finally, come night, Daisy waited anxiously. The housemaid came in and sat down across from Daisy. She was twisting a napkin in her hands and looking like she might be sick.

"Go on, then," Daisy said, anxious to stop being the only one out of the loop.

"Well, y'see-" The girl bit her lip. "Thomas has done somethin'- somethin' to be turned out with no reference. The police might be called-"

Daisy's eyes widened. She hadn't thought it would be anything that big.

"What's he done?" She said.

"He...he kissed...someone."

Now Daisy felt put out. "Oh. Who'd he kiss?"

"...Jimmy."

Daisy stared at her.

"Y'mean like, like, on the cheek, like ya might kiss your brother-"

The housemaid shook her head slowly, waiting for Daisy to pick up.

"But I don't understand, why would he want to kiss Jimmy? Was it dark, and he thought-"

"Daisy, some men- Oh, Daisy, don't let anyone know I've told you this, please. Some men have got...somethin'...somethin' wrong with them, that they..."

The maid broke off, looking as if she wished she'd never agreed to be the one to let Daisy into the loop.

"What'd ya mean?" Daisy frowned. "What could be wrong with a man that would make him do _that_?"

"Oh, _ugh_ , Daisy, it's...it's somethin' wrong inside his brain-"

"But he's smart-"

"Yes, he is smart, Daisy. He's very smart. And there's nothin' else wrong with him. He's a normal healthy man in every way, there's just this _one_ thing-"

Daisy could have started getting wrinkles from how hard her brow was creased.

"All right, Daisy, you know how...you know how you feel when you meet a handsome man you want to court? You get...you get all jittery inside, like butterflies, and...and your palms get sweaty, and your heart races, and you...you start thinkin' what would it be like if he asked you to court, or if...if he held your hand?"

Daisy nodded. She'd had those very feelings for Thomas.

The maid continued. "Well...he's- he's got somethin' wrong- somethin' mixed up, in his head. He gets those very same feelings, Daisy, only...only instead of the ladies...he gets those feelings for...for men."

Seeing the shocked look on Daisy's face, she rushed on "He can't _help_ it, Daisy. It isn't his fault...it's like...it's like an illness..."

"But how- what kind of an illness would-"

"I don't understand it myself, Daisy, but...it's just how it is, is all. For some reason, somehow, somewhere, somethin' went wrong in his mind, and it's got him all confused about who he's supposed to get those kind of feelin's for."

She sat back, and stared at Daisy's startled expression for a moment. Then she said softly, "There's no explainin' it. But, it's very sad, isn't it?"

Daisy's mind was reeling. She'd never heard of such a thing. Her first reaction was one of confusion, followed quickly by disgust- why would a man want to kiss or cuddle and spoon with another man?

She thought she might have other feelings later, perhaps kinder feelings, once she got used to the idea.

But, just for right now, while the idea was so new to her, and so startling, she couldn't help feeling a bit sick at the idea.

But it did clear up a mystery.

This must have been what Mrs. Patmore was trying to warn her about, when she'd said Thomas was a troubled soul and she didn't want Daisy to moon over him.

What other kinds of strange new worlds were there, waiting to be uncovered?

Goodness.

No wonder people never told her anything.


	9. Chapter 9: DAISY, CARSON, HUGHES

**Chapter 9: Daisy, Carson and Mrs. Hughes**

 **Daisy knocked on Mr. Carson's office door.**

 **"Come in", he said from within.**

 **Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes had been having a conversation in hushed tones.**

 **"I didn't mean to interrupt", Daisy said nervously.**

 **"Never mind, Daisy, come on in", Mr. Carson said.**

 **"Only I wanted to say somethin' bout Thomas," she said nervously.**

 **They both looked surprised.**

 **"Daisy, I'm sure you've heard rumors but they're nothing," Mrs. Hughes began.**

 **"I know what he's done," Daisy spoke up.**

 **They both looked shocked.**

 **"Who told you?" Mrs. Hughes asked.**

 **Daisy tried to look taller. "I know things," she said.**

 **They both stared at her with raised eyebrows.**

 **"Oh all right, I overheard," Daisy said, shoulders slumping.**

 **She didn't overhear- a housemaid had filled her in, but Daisy thought it would be all right to tell just a little white lie, to keep the maid from being scolded.**

 **"What Thomas done were wrong, but he don't _have_ to be sacked, do he?" Daisy pleaded.**

 **Mr. Carson took a deep breath. "Thomas's fate has not been decided. But-"**

 **"Oh Mr. Carson...he's not a bad person, truly he isn't...couldn't he just promise you that he won't ever do it again?"**

 **Mr. Carson said, "I understand, Daisy. I would be quite appreciative if Thomas were to make a solemn vow that he would not engage in that sort of behavior,"**

 **He took a deep breath before he continued-**

 **"And if he made a concentrated effort to stay on the right path, no one would encourage him in that endeavor more than I. As it stands, though-"**

 **Mrs. Hughes turned to Daisy and spoke gently. "Daisy, even if he were willing to make that promise, it would only be a matter of time before he'd slip up."**

 **Daisy responded, "I don't see why though. I'm sure he could do it! I mean, it shouldn't be** _ **hard**_ **for him to stop, after all, it's so against nature…"**

 **"Unfortunately, it seems that it** _ **is**_ **his nature," Mr. Carson said, displeased.**

" **I'm not sayin' it weren't wrong. Course it were wrong, anyone could see that. And I don't feel sorry for him, not exactly," she said. "I don't understand him, and I know it weren't right.** **But I hate to see him turned out."**

" **Daisy," Mrs. Hughes said kindly, "It is admirable that you want to take up for Thomas, despite everything, but we can't keep him on simply because we feel sorry for him."**

 **Daisy looked down, saddened.**

 **Mr. Carson still looked quite unhappy. "I had hoped the ladies wouldn't have to hear about such things…so I want to tell you, Daisy, that I'm sorry you had to be made aware of these goings-on. One problem with all of this is that people who had no idea of such immorality have now had their innocent minds corrupted."**

 **Daisy turned to go. "I don't feel corrupted, Mr. Carson. True, I didn't know about it before, but…well, sin is sin. I'm a sinner too, I am. Don't it say in the good Book that all sin's the same? God said if you even look at a woman with lust you've already committed adultery in your heart. And if you even get angry with a person it's the just same as if you've committed a murder. That means any of us have done just as bad as Thomas, don't it?"**

 **"Well..." Mr. Carson tried to think of a response.**

 **"Like it say in the book of Matthew, why point out the sawdust in your brother's eye when you've got a plank in your own?"**

 **Mr. Carson smiled sadly at her. "How right you are. Thank you, Daisy."**

 **Daisy closed the door behind her.**

 **After Daisy left, Mrs. Hughes said with a hint of amusement, "It isn't like Daisy to come in here so boldly."**

 **But then Mrs. Hughes turned to Mr. Carson and said seriously, "She is right, you know. None of us can claim to be without sin. Whatever we think of Thomas Barrow, whose to say that in God's eyes, any of us are better than him?"**

 **Mr. Carson took a deep breath. "Out of the mouths of babes, as they say. I too am humble before God and admit that I am a sinner."**

 **Mrs. Hughes sighed. "We all are, I suppose."**


	10. Chapter 10: THOMAS AND MR CARSON

Chapter 10: THOMAS AND MR. CARSON

On Saturday night, Thomas was heading up for bed, but Mr. Carson stopped him in his tracks, saying, "Thomas, I want to ask you-"

Thomas turned to him, saying nothing but waiting expectantly for a response.

"It is in regards to Daisy," Mr. Carson began.

"What have I got to do with Daisy?" Thomas responded.

"Daisy is young and very naive...have you put her up to this?"

"Up to _what?_ " Thomas answered, sounding as if his patience was wearing thin. 

"You truly don't know?" Mr. Carson sounded surprised.

"Clearly I don't, Mr. Carson," Thomas replied, trying not to look annoyed.

"Daisy seems very keen for you to stay," Mr. Carson

"Does she?" Thomas answered, trying not to sound as if he was interested in anyone's opinion of him.

He got out a cigarette and lit it.

"Yes, she marched into my office, rather boldly, and began spouting scripture." Mr. Carson said, a touch of humor in his voice

"Scripture?" Thomas looked confused at that word.

Mr. Carson looked at him disapprovingly. "Yes, _scripture_. Scripture is taken from the Bible, Thomas."

Thomas said rather angrily, "Believe it or not, Mr. Carson I _know_ what scripture is."

"Then what was it that surprised you so?"

Thomas tilted his head and, took his first breath of his cigarette, letting the smoke fill him up with satisfaction since nothing else would.

"Only that she thought scripture could get me to _stay_. When you said she was using scripture I thought..."

"While I'm sure there is scripture that may work _against_ you, Thomas, Daisy has pointed out scripture that she would like us to consider in an effort to get you to stay on,"

"Well, that's an interesting development, isn't it?" Thomas stared at him, not knowing what it was Mr. Carson was angling for.

"I wondered if _you_ had anything to do with that. Daisy should not have been made aware of this situation at all-"

"I'm not the one who told her," Thomas said icily.

"If that's your word, I'll take it," Mr. Carson said, "However, if you have been influencing Daisy in an effort to get her to get her to take up your cause-"

Thomas felt no more need to speak respectfully to Mr. Carson. If he was about to be put out with even a reference, then why bother?

"Come off it, I've said nothing to that daft girl-"

Mr. Carson cut in, "That is precisely why I thought you had."

"Because you think Daisy is daft, too?" Thomas said, the corner of his mouth turning up.

"No," Mr. Carson said in a hard voice, "But as I said before, Daisy is very young and very naïve. It is possible that you targeted her because of her innocence, and that you are using it to gain her sympathies, in an attempt to stay,"

Thomas looked at him. "I've nothing to do with Daisy. I haven't even spoken to her since all this. I don't know what she's said and frankly I don't _care_ what she's said. It makes no difference to me what everyone else thinks. I'm 'bout to be sacked no matter what, so why bother?"

Mr. Carson did not address his comments, but asked only, "Will you be attending church with us tomorrow morning?"

"I always do," Thomas said coolly, letting go of a puff of smoke.

"Yes, you do. But whether you listen to the sermon is the real question. Goodnight, Thomas."

Mr. Carson left, and Thomas stared after him. Then, skipping the ash tray, he threw his cigarette right on the floor, and smeared it with his shoe, leaving a burn mark. Then he went up to bed.


	11. Chapter 11: THOMAS AND DAISY

Chapter 11: Daisy and Thomas

Thomas had no desire to attend the church services with the rest of the staff only a few days after he had kissed a man.

He knew they'd all be _staring_ at him, wondering if he was paying attention in church, trying to see if he would repent and declare himself a sinner and finally admit what a vile man he was.

No, that didn't sound too good to Thomas.

But, somehow, _not_ attending was even worse than attending.

Because if he _didn't_ go, then everyone would probably be smug and self-righteous and declare Thomas a heathen or something. So maybe it was better to go on to church along with everybody else, so they wouldn't feel like they were better than him.

Neither option was pretty, but Thomas didn't have many options in life.

Well, maybe going to church would count for something.

The next morning Thomas got up, washed and dressed, and had breakfast with the others. Sunday was the day you could sleep later- just a _little_ bit- because church didn't start quite as early as their work day did.

Except, of course, for certain staff members- they didn't get to sleep any later because they had to get the family ready to go to church. After all, no one could go to church looking less than their best.

Anna, for example, would be up early to get Mary's clothes and hair ready for church.

The staff walked down to the village together.

The family was driven to church in their car.

As they filed in, they took seats toward the back. The family would be sitting in the front, as always.

It was just one more thing Thomas resented about everything- why should people like them sit at the front, and servants and townspeople always relegated to the back rows?

And the most annoying thing about it was that it wasn't even anything official- it was like some unspoken, unwritten rule that the lower class should just _expect_ to be last. They just naturally went to the back, as if they assumed they _should_ be in the back.

Thomas didn't want anyone making him feel he wasn't worthy of a front row seat.

As they filed in, Thomas tried to quell his annoyance at being a second-class citizen.

The organ music began, and Thomas began to relax. As they all sang, Thomas looked around the church, trying to see if there was anyone new in the congregation. But he didn't see anyone he didn't recognize.

After the first alleluia and the morning greeting, Daisy leaned in and whispered something to Mrs. Hughes.

Thomas couldn't hear what she said.

Mrs. Hughes nodded at her, and whispered back- it sounded as if Mrs. Hughes was asking Daisy, "Do you want me to go with you?"

Daisy quickly shook her head _no_ , stood up, quickly filed past them in the pew, and slipped quietly out of the church.

After a few minutes Thomas leaned in and said to Mr. Carson, "I've got to get up, I've got a terrible ache in my legs,"

Mr. Carson looked suspicious. He whispered back, "It seems Daisy has been suddenly taken ill, too. Are you sure that you aren't conspiring with her in some way?"

Thomas answered, rather coldly, "Mr. Carson, I haven't said a thing to Daisy. I thought we settled that matter. Now, I've got to get up and move about. And I think it would be far less disruptive to the rest of the congregation if I go now before the sermon starts,"

"Very sensible…go ahead," Mr. Carson sighed.

Thomas moved quietly out of the sanctuary.

He saw Daisy sitting on the church steps, outside. He walked over and sat down next to her on the steps. He lit a cigarette.

"Y'all right then?" Thomas asked after a moment.

Daisy looked over, startled that he was asking after her.

"It were nothing," she said, looking straight ahead, avoiding his eyes. "Just got a touch lightheaded for a moment. It passed. I didn't eat enough breakfast," then after a brief pause, she said, "I'm fine, really. We ought to go back in," Daisy stood up to go.

Thomas hesitated. Then he asked, "Daisy-"

He wouldn't trust that daft girl's opinion on anything—except maybe church.

Some of the staff were of strong faith, and some of them only paid polite attention during services.

But all of them attended every week, just the same.

Whether you were terribly devout, or whether you were a Christian in name only, church was just something that must be done. The same as wearing a hat when you go visiting or holding a door open for a lady. Some things were just societal expectations.

But Thomas knew that Daisy was one of the staff who paid rapt attention at church.

Daisy took in the preacher's talk of 'fire and brimstone' with wide, _fearful_ eyes, clutching her Bible to her chest.

God, she was so easy to frighten.

If there was anything Thomas ought to know about what went on in church, Daisy was the one to ask.

Besides, he was curious to know why she had defended him when he had never been exactly nice to her. He was also curious to know what kinds of scripture she was using in an attempt to save him.

"Wha is it?" Daisy asked, after a moment passed without Thomas continuing.

"I-" Thomas hesitated. Being kind and friendly felt almost foreign to him.

"Yes?" Daisy asked, finally looking at him. But as soon as she met his eyes, she blushed scarlet and looked down at her hands.

 _Oh, God_ , Thomas thought, _she's embarrassed to look at me because she's thinking about what I did._

"I s'pose you know about what I—about what happened." Thomas said uncomfortably. "And Mr. Carson told me that you took up for me, so…so I suppose I just want to say thank you."

Daisy smiled, still blushing. "Thank you. But it were nothing—I don't want no one turned out."

"I just—I know that I've not been good to you, and," Thomas took a deep breath, "And, well, I don't deserve your kindness…I don't deserve anyone's kindness, really…"

Daisy finally looked at him. "Don't say that," she said, surprised. "'Course you deserve kindness. Why wouldn't ya? You're a nice person- underneath-" she finished rather uncomfortably, then looked as if she'd stuck her foot in her mouth. "I didn't mean-"

"It's all right," Thomas said, almost smiling. "Truth is, I've not been kind, and I've given no one any reason to want to help me. So…"

Thomas was trying, but he didn't know how to finish.

Daisy said suddenly, her voice bright. "That don't mean you've got to continue how you started! People would like you, Thomas, if you were kind to them! You're a good person, truly!"

Thomas looked down, flinging the ash from his cigarette.

" _I_ think you're a good person," Daisy said more softly.

Thomas smirked. "Knowing what you know?"

Daisy flushed, but then looked up at him anyway. "Honestly, I don't understand it, Thomas, I don't, but…people do all sorts of things, don't they?"

Thomas said, "I suppose they do,"

Daisy spoke up. "When I was growin' up, there was a woman in my village who had a baby when she'd not been properly married, and it was all hushed up, of course, but I'm sure it weren't the first time in the world that it's happened, ya know? It were wrong, but people do things all the time that ought not be done outside of marriage, and it don't mean ya got to hate them or look down on 'em. If anything, people need more kindness."

"I could say I've done things that ought not be done outside of marriage," Thomas said quietly.

For it was true- anything Thomas would ever do would be outside of marriage.

Daisy smiled, finally, and said to him, "Havin' ill thoughts leads to ill actions. And if you're havin' ill thoughts, I hate to tell you but you're nothing special: we all have those."

"You don't think there are some things that are worse than others?" Thomas questioned.

Daisy paused. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? And it's true that while we're on earth different sins have different consequences, but…but the preacher says that to God in heaven, it ain't like that. Any sin in your heart hurts, no matter what sin it is- they're all the same. It's like I told Mr. Carson, if you have an unkind thought it's just the same as murder. Because it's all about your heart not bein' right."

"So we're all doomed, then? How cheery." Thomas said, putting out his cigarette.

"No," Daisy nearly laughed. "Thomas it's as if you've never heard the gospel! We're saved from our sins, aren't we?"

Thomas stared at her. "So you think we go to heaven despite our sins?"

"Christ, Thomas!," Daisy exclaimed.

For a moment Thomas thought she was swearing, but then realized she meant the actual Christ.

"He's saved us, hasn't He? So we're forgiven."

"But we still sin," Thomas said flatly.

"Long as we're earth-bound, we're sinful creatures. All we can do is repent, and know that Christ covers our sins." Daisy said confidently.

"But it's not true repentance if you keep doing whatever it is you've repented of." Thomas said.

"Well, true repentance is turnin' _away_ from one's sin. It isn't easy, and we may keep fallin' into the same sin over and over again, but as long as we're _trying_ -"

Thomas stood up to go.

It was clear that Daisy thought what he had done was an _action_ , a _behavior_ , rather than an _identity_ , a part of who he was.

And as long as she thought that, she wouldn't understand him.

He couldn't explain it to her. He could barely explain it to himself.

Besides, Daisy's mind wouldn't work that way. _Couldn't_ work that way.

To try to explain the inner workings of his mind to innocent, bright eyed Daisy would be like leading a lamb to the slaughter.

Thomas was ready to go.

"Daisy. Thank you for takin' up for me but I think it's best you try and forget what I am and just go on like you never knew."

"Thomas, the things you done…" Daisy flushed. "Well anyway…I don't care what you done. I still like you. Truly I do. No matter what happens I do like you."

 _She keeps saying that. She doesn't like me. She just...is kind to me about it. That's all._

But what he said was, "Thank you, Daisy. It's good to know you don't mind me, anyway."

Because he knew - without a doubt - that Daisy's tolerance of him was the best he'd get, from any of them.

And so he'd love her for it.


End file.
